just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
