Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
