I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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