you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
