If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
