I'm sorry my penis didn't work
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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