I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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