you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
