the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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