I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
