I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
