Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
