just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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