Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
