did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
