My underwear smells like fireworks.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
