I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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