Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
