Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
