How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have tasted many bathrooms
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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