he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
