so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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