She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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