just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
