Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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