Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
