He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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