hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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