just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
