I am in a vortex of obligation.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
