I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
