I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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