You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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