he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
