ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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