just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
