I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
porn star boner night. come get it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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