Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
