I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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