Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
