Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
