in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My cat gives me a boner
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
