youre lurking in front of me
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
