Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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