Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
