Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
