i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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