who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
