i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
