And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
