He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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