even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
