She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
