So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
