I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I just found a bag of teeth...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Drunk is not a location!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
