so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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