i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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